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Literary Agency [Jun. 14th, 2005|04:39 pm]
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[ediblemike]
Just so you know what I do every day, here is what nearly every (I'd say 90%) of the query letters I read look like. I've fictionalized titles, names, and other shit, but every oddity on here occurs regularly in queries.

Yes, it makes me an asshole to do this.

No, I don't care if I'm not that great of a writer, either. I've got the power here.



Quinlan Parlitsis

Dear Sir / Madam,

I would very much enjoy requesting you represent my novel A Love That Conquers Death.

It is commercial, yet literary. In my book, CIA Special Agent JACK JONSON is a handsome religious investigator and anthropologist, part of a secret sect of the Catholic Church passed from father to son, who falls in love with a beautiful nun in the hip Manhattan social atmosphere which literally over brims with class. When JACK JONSON and the nun have sex - an act his secret society strictly bans - they are suddenly thrown into a world of conspiracy and danger.

However, JACK JONSON was on the verge of breaking one the ancient Church's oldest mysteries that had gone unsolved for millenia, a discovery that could bring down the entire structure of organized religion onto itself like a stack of cards with the air let out. It is a secret that has been hidden for centuries, a secret that men have killed to discover but failed.

Meanwhile, JACK JONSON must protect the love of his life in the nun, a wisecracking bride of Christ who may not be what she seems. When she suddenly uses a long-forgotten Aramaic martial art to save JACK JONSON'S life, we the readers of the novel, realize, that she may be more than what she seems. Is she a danger to JACK JONSON'S quest? Is she the only person left he can trust?

Meanwhile, JACK JONSON must return home to face a past he left behind when he left his home in rural Louisiana. Returning to a home that was his but a family that will no longer accept him, JACK JONSON must consolidate his place in the world as a CIA super agent and a man with a troubled past that remains unresolved. His mother, a black voodoo Queen from the bayous, gives him a charm that may protect him from the evil brewing inside his secret sect that he is a part of. He discovers his father is dead and we see him mourn because his father was his guiding light, but there may be a new father figure who could lead JACK JONSON to the answers he seeks.

My book is an original literary thriller about suspense and wondering about your place in the universe. I think of it as a mix of Sex and the City and The DaVinci Code. What if everything you knew was wrong? What if you couldn't trust anybody? Is there a God? What if the Church had lied to us for generations to protect a dark secret? Is sex a link to salvation? What if you stood in the way between a future of lies and a past of truths?

I spent my childhood in Catholic School, so I am very qualified to write this novel. I know a lot about Catholic Doctrine and how it can be contradictory to the Bible's teachings. I'm also from the South, born and raised in Florida, so I understand the mentalities and social structures of the American South, where part of my novel takes place. Both qualities mean that I understand the dynamics of the world to be written about in my novel.

Thirty years ago, I graduated from Florida State with a B.A. in culinary arts with a focused minor in English Literature. My studies in English Literature (specifically English Literature from Britain) led me to believe that the written word was powerful and could be used for good and for something positive. Therefore I believe my book is written from a background that understands the reasoning behind writing things out. That is why I write journalism for my local homeowner's association newsletter, The Cityville Update.

This book will be extremely successful and I see it being loved by audiences such as Oprah and Jay Leno. I do not do book signings, however, since I find them very boring and I do not like to read out loud. I also refuse to make any editorial changes to my work since I like it how it is and it is my work of art and I do not want it being altered by editors who don't understand art and just want to make a buck.

I can send you the entire manuscript if you want it when it is done soon.

I have outlined an entire series of JACK JONSON novels and would love you to represent them all on what looks like a very profitable and fun venture for both of us. I am mailing this query to other agents I found in the Writers Market 2004 book, so you should contact me ASAP if you wish to negotiate how much you will pay me for my book and movie rights.

Love you,

Quinlan Parlitsis

LinkReply

Comments:
[User Picture]From: mynameismemory
2005-06-14 09:00 pm (UTC)
I give it a 4 out of 9.
(Reply) (Thread)
From: bosserthanmoss
2005-06-15 02:19 pm (UTC)
Hilarious.
(Reply) (Thread)
From: where_was_i
2005-06-23 05:44 am (UTC)
I don't see what's wrong with it, and I can't wait to read the JACK JONSON novels.
(Reply) (Thread)